The Inner Life.

My grandmother gave me an awesome devotional for my graduation. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I highly recommend it as it speaks simple truths that really speak to the heart. The other day I read one about the ministry of the inner life. It said, "How long is it going to take God to free us from the unhealthy habit of thinking only about ourselves? We must get to the point of being sick to death of ourselves, until there is no longer any surprise of anything God might tell us about ourselves. We cannot reach and understand the depths of our meagerness. There is only one place where we are right with God, and that is in Christ Jesus. Once we are there, we have to pour out our lives for all we are worth in this ministry of the inner life."
I can't begin to tell you the number of times I catch myself feeling ashamed that I have done something wrong because I come into the realization that I have constantly just been thinking of myself. When my focus becomes about me I begin to fall away from God. I push people away from me that are good influences in my life, and I make decisions based on how I feel and what I want. And then what? I am pleased for a small period of time until God breaks me to the point where I feel stripped of everything. He brings me to a point where I do not want it to be about me. I don't want to do it my way anymore, and I want Him to take control. And though I will never be able to understand why He extends His grace to me, I can't put into words how truly thankful I am for it. Thankful that He never went anywhere and thankful He was always here even when I ignored Him. My life was never meant to be about me. God has given me everything that I have ever had and will have, and my purpose is to allow Him to use me in whatever way is pleasing to Him. Unfortunately when you fall and scrape your knee it doesn't heal overnight, it takes time. But you don't just sit on the ground forever, you have to get up and brush yourself off and keep going.
"True brokenness is the shattering of my self-will, and the absolute surrender of my will to the will of God."
I will never be perfect, I will always make mistakes, and I will always return to selfishly thinking of myself at times. But I will seek to serve God, who is the only fulfillment, and I will be thankful for His loving grace.
"Porque por gracia ustedes han sido salvados mediante la fe; esto no procede de ustedes, sino que es el regalo de Dios, no por obras, para que nadie se jacte. Porque somos hechura de Dios, creados in Cristo Jesus para buenas obras, las cuales Dios dispuso de antemano a fin de que las pongamos en practica." Efesios 2: 8-10

Cake or Donut?

The other day I was faced with a choice. The dessert choices after a dinner meal at our jr. high camp were either cake or a donut -and we could only choose one. The cake seemed like the safer choice because the donut clearly did not have a delicious appeal to it. However, I decided to give the donut a try. Best decisions ever. That donut was so good, and filled with frosting. But I still wondered what the cake would have tasted like. We all have to make decisions everyday and each decision has a consequence, whether it's positive or negative. Lately I have found myself facing some pretty big decisions that I know will have really big consequences. Sometimes it's hard for me decide if something is what God wants me to do or if it is simply one of my own crazy desires. I want to get out of Manhattan. I have been here my entire life, can you blame me for wanting some place new? Not only that but I am ready to do something with my life. I am passionate about serving other people. I treasure the relationships that I build with others. I want to get out and meet new people, get away from this bubble that I have made myself comfortable in. What is stopping me? School. There are three things that come to mind when I think of school: overrated, way too long, expensive. I can no longer afford school. I no longer have any passion or desire for school. I am already a 5th year senior. I don't really even know if I want to teach, nor do I have a clue what I want to do with my life. So I have had all these crazy ideas in my head: transfer to Arizona, take a year off and work, study abroad, suck it up and finish... Obviously I know which one is the most logical, but what if I don't want to be logical? What if I want to be spontaneous and do something crazy that I wouldn't usually do? What if I want to go against what everyone is telling me? I am only young once, I might as well live it up right? I keep going through each of these situations in my head, knowing what I want to do, but knowing that the consequences will be great, and no matter what I choose, I will always wonder what would have happened if I chose the other decision. No matter what decision I make I will learn something, and I know that God will be there for me wherever I go, whatever I do. But is it about me, or is it about him? So what will it be, cake or donut?

Gracias Dios

Home again in Manhattan. I have only been here for 5 days but it feels so much longer. I love getting to see my family and my oldest brother Zach is getting married on Saturday so it's going to be a crazy weekend! However, I can't help but think of how much I am ready for some place new. I feel like I am ready to do something else with my life but I am stuck because I have to finish school. Does anyone else feel that school is a bit overrated? I have been trying to get my priorities straightened out in my life, but it does no good to talk about priorities because my actions show where my priorities are at. I have been learning so much this summer. I have gained so much confidence that I never had before. I have wasted so much time comparing myself to other people and beating myself up about things that don't even matter. I am now more confident in myself and who I am because I have a God who loves me unconditionally and desires to have all of my heart. There is no other love comparable to this. For that reason I can be confident in who I am knowing that as long as I seek him, he is going to use me according to his plan. I am so excited to see what he is going to do next in my life. I will continuously be working on giving up all my desires for him. I am so thankful for the people he has placed in my life and for all the opportunities he has given me. I am blessed with so many great people in my life. I pray that I am not just comfortable with where I am at but that I will have the boldness and initiative to do something big for his kingdom.

Deny Myself

It's crazy how fast these three weeks at CIY are flying by. Sunday afternoon we finally made it to the top of the mountain:success! All the CIY staff and camp teams had a cookout =lots of fun. We started a new week and it's been really great already. Even though we have to do the same tedious tasks and listen to a lot of the same messages, I learn something new each time. Today Mark Moore spoke. He minded us of the broken world that we live in and how sin has become a norm. He challenged us to do something about it. We need to be available to God so that he can speak to us and work through us. In a video we watched yesterday, we were asked, "Whose kingdom are you building? Yours or God's?" How much time do we waste striving to meet our own needs and desires? Has that ever got us anywhere? The good news is that God wants us right where we are at. It doesn't matter what I've done in my past. I don't have to fix myself before I can stand before God. God is big enough for the fear and doubt that I have. Luke 9:23 says, "If anyone would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it". I have to deny myself. It sounds like such a simple task right? Not exactly. The world we live in has trained us that pleasing ourselves is the most important thing. But I'm ready to be done with that life. I am ready to let go for something bigger, something better. I want to take the risk of giving myself up. I want my fear to dissolve so that it doesn't ruin my passion. I am worth it. I am wanted by Jesus Christ, and in Him I have a new purpose. What in this world could possibly matter more than following and serving him with all that I am? He is the only life worth living.
Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

weekend adventures

Have I said how much I love Colorado yet? The weather could not get any better and the mountains are so beautiful! Yesterday we all got to catch up on some sleep before we met up to go to lunch. We ate at an incredible BBQ restaurant. It was so delicious! Later in the afternoon a group of us decided we wanted to hike up a nearby mountain...a mountain that had no trail. After fighting our way through trees and bushes, cutting up our legs and getting eaten by demon ants, we almost made it to the top. But we couldn't go any further because the trees were too tough to get through at that point. I'm not sure I can say it was worth it, but it was a good adventure. I found out this morning that there actually is a trail that leads up to the top. So it's round 2 today, hopefully we can conquer this mountain.
This morning we were supposed to go to church but I accidentally got left here in the dorms.  I don't know exactly how that happened, but they came and picked me up afterwards for lunch. Tomorrow starts a whole new week of CIY. 2 more weeks to go, so excited, love being here. Tonight 2 more camp teamers are coming and all the CIY staff and camp teams are having a giant BBQ party. yes please. can't wait.

love costs everything

Though this first week of CIY has been amazing, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ready for the weekend. I could definitely catch up on some sleep! I am really glad we got to work with CCV this week even if it were just little tasks. I am so happy to be apart of CIY this year. There is nothing better than seeing students make decisions to change their lives for Christ. Last night we watched a movie called "Love costs everything". It showed how Christians are being persecuted around the world for following Jesus Christ. It left a powerful message and challenge for all of us. I personally felt a lot of shame. There are people in this world who are being physically beaten and killed just for believing in God and here we are worried about what other people think of us. We are so caught up in ourselves that all we care about is our appearance, success, what others think of us, or how we can be better, Selfish. We are too afraid to even tell people about God because we are scared of what they'll think of us. We should be ashamed. We don't know who God is because we only want to know about ourselves. We don't know how to live our lives because we haven't read God's Word to know what He expects of us. We need to change that.
Today I got to work in the prayer room for a couple of hours. I had some good talks today with Rene Hoover, Sheree Diehl, and Ashley Morales. The final night session for the week was a very powerful one. We were all challenged to live our lives pointing people to God and not ourselves. Many students made decisions to change their lives. Again, I am so glad to be a part of all this! So glad I got to work with CCV this week and hang out with them. I also enjoy hanging out with the other camp teamers and doing all the tedious tasks with them. I ended my night by hanging out with some of the girls in the dorms. It's now time for some much needed sleep. Tomorrow's schedule: sleep in, eat lunch, community camp team hang out. So pumped!

Another day at CIY MOVE. As bible college reps we have to do a lot of tedious jobs for the ciy staff. These includes things such as stuffing 1000 tiny envelopes and sealing them, blowing up 500 + balloons to give to students who end up popping them, attempting to open 100 large tin cans of chocolate pudding for a large group game that was an epic fail, and being in charge of "security" each night in the dorms -which really isn't security at all but is actually passing out hundreds of schedules for the following day to all the students. Though these tasks may seem like the worst jobs ever (and to us at times they do, especially at 12:30 at night) we have managed to have fun in whatever job we are doing. For example, after what seemed like hours blowing up the balloons in a tiny room that somehow fit all 12 of us, we began to sing songs together to keep us sane. Some songs included "it's a hard knock life" and "A whole new world". These are some of the memories I won't forget and it's been really fun getting to know everyone.

It's awesome to see how God is working in this place, challenging so many people to move. I am so thankful to be a part of this ciy experience and it's only week one! Two more weeks here in Colorado. So thankful for the ciy staff and bc reps. #best3weeksever #winnersneverstop